Parenthood and your relationship

Parenthood and relationships

Having your first child and becoming a parent is a major life event for most people, and it can significantly affect your life and your relationships. Couples have to cope with the demands of pregnancy, childbirth and parenting, as well as dealing with their changing relationship.

Other significant relationships also change. For example, grandparents often become more involved in day-to-day life. This can bring up feelings and potential issues about your own childhood or your relationship with your parents. Social interactions with friends change due to the demands of caring for your new baby, and your new priorities.

Open communication with those around you, who you feel safe to talk to, can help you to address and come to terms with these changes and the feelings that can arise.

Many couples adjusting to parenthood find their relationship is enriched and is a great source of strength and support. However, for some couples, relationships can feel unsafe and this experience can increase around the time of a new baby. If this becomes the case in your relationship, there are a number of confidential, free and professional services that can provide you with support.

For information about specialist services for people experiencing family safety, sexual abuse, sexual assault or family violence issues, contact the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service, 1800 RESPECT on Tel. 1800 737 732. You can also contact dedicated family violence support services in your local community.

Pregnancy and your relationship

It is important to share the pregnancy as a couple and talk to each other about your thoughts and feelings. There are important things to process for both partners during pregnancy, such as:

• each person’s reaction to the pregnancy
• coping with the emotional and sexual changes that can come with a pregnancy and raising a child
• concerns and worries about the future.

Becoming a parent

The birth of your child also changes your family situation. Sharing the experience of birth is important to many couples and many partners will be present at their child’s birth.

All sorts of thoughts and feelings will arise for both parents during and immediately after their child’s birth. It is important to talk about these experiences.

Communicating honestly and respectfully with each other about your emotions, feelings and thoughts is an excellent way to form strong family bonds and model a healthy style of coping that the child will copy, learn and develop over their lifespan.

Parenthood, intimacy and your relationship

Everyone’s experience in the early months after the birth of their child is different. For some couples, the transition to parenthood feels smooth and it strengthens their relationship. For others, it can be a time of tiredness and stress that causes them to become distant and withdrawn.

Becoming parents may also mean there is less time for each other. While some people are happy to make this change, some may feel left out or unloved. It is important to acknowledge and communicate feelings of grief and sadness about losing your exclusive couple relationship. Make time to sit down and talk with your partner.

Many couples experience uncertainty in their sexual relationship after the birth of a child. Some find that the demands of parenting affect their sexual needs and their lovemaking. It is important for couples to be honest and open about this to avoid misunderstanding and a person feeling rejected.

It is also important to remember that forced or coerced sexual activity is never okay. It is against the law and is sexual assault. Support is available from 1800 RESEPCT, the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service, on Tel. 1800 737 732, if you need it. You can also contact dedicated family violence support services in your local community. You do not need to have experienced sexual assault or violence to contact these services, they can also provide information, counselling and other support.

Deciding to become sexual with one another again after having a new baby is a decision for both of you to make. For women who gave birth, it may be a good time to talk about when to resume having sex once your bleeding has stopped and you feel physically and emotionally comfortable to do so.

It is possible for women to become pregnant while breastfeeding, and before the return of their period after giving birth. Breastfeeding delays the return of a woman’s period, but women ovulate before their periods return. If you have sex at this time without contraception or protection, you may become pregnant.

Some issues that may affect the decision of new parents to resume sexual intercourse include:

• tiredness
• feeling unhappy with your body after pregnancy and birth
• lack of libido (sex drive)
• pain during intercourse
• having had an episiotomy or tear
• breastfeeding for woman
• pelvic floor problems (sometimes experienced by new mums).

Discuss any health problems that continue beyond 6 weeks after the birth of your child with your doctor or midwife. For more information, contact your:

• doctor
• midwife
• maternal and child health nurse
• men’s help line
• family planning clinic.

Couples may also find it helpful to talk to a counsellor if they are having difficulty resuming their sex life and it is affecting their relationship.

Contraception for new parents

After the birth of their child, there are a number of contraception options for couples to consider. These include:

• mini pill (for breastfeeding parents) – this method is 96 to 99% effective when taken carefully, and it has little or no effect on breastmilk and does not harm the baby
• combined pill (for non-breastfeeding parents) – this method is 99% effective when taken according to the instructions. Evidence suggests that the combined contraceptive pill (containing oestrogen and progestogen) is unsuitable for breastfeeding parents
• condoms – this method is 95 to 98% effective at preventing pregnancy when used correctly every time
• diaphragm – this method is 86% effective when used correctly every time
• intrauterine device – this method is 99% effective
• sterilisation – this operation is very effective, with a failure rate of 0.2%
• natural family planning – this method can vary from 75 to 99% effective depending on the method you choose and how well you use it
• hormone implant (Implanon) or contraceptive injection – discuss this option with your doctor or family planning clinic.

Strengthening your relationship with your partner

If you are expecting your first child or are a new parent, there are some steps that may help you strengthen your relationship with your partner.

• Share your experiences. Talk about the joys and achievements, as well as the doubts, worries and frustrations. Let your partner know how you feel and be curious and listen in to how they feel.
• Reflect and talk openly about what kind of relationship you both want to have together.
• Talk together about what types of values are important to you both, and how as a family these can be practised. This may extend to family traditions as well.
• Give yourself time. Try to make special time together as a couple, regularly and without your child. This will give you a chance to get close and regain some energy.
• Work as a team. Try to ensure you both get enough sleep, share housework and parenting tasks, and be kind to each other. Remember to give praise and encouragement and to share your successes together.

Seeking help for your relationship

If you find that there are difficulties in your relationship after you become parents, consider seeking the help of a counsellor. This will give you the chance to talk to someone who understands and has experience helping couples through some of the changes you may be going through. A counsellor can help you and your partner to feel closer and communicate more clearly about your feelings and expectations.

New parents can find this time challenging for varying reasons, but with the right support from family, friends and professional services, things can often improve.

Where to get help

• A counsellor
• Your GP (doctor)
• Maternal and child health nurse
• Relationships Australia Tel. 1300 364 277 
• Psychotherapy and Counselling Federation of Australia (PACFA) Tel. (03) 9486 3077
• Raising Children Network
• 1800 RESPECT Tel. 1800 737 732 
• Safe Steps Tel. 1800 015 188
• Dedicated family violence support services in your local community
• MensLine Australia Tel. 1300 789 978
• Family Relationship Advice Line Tel. 1800 050 321
• Lifeline Tel. 13 11 14