Sexual decision making

Why people choose to have sex

People have sex for all sorts of reasons:

• for emotional reasons – for example, to express love and affection
• for physical reasons – for example, sexual pleasure
• to achieve particular goals – for example, to have a baby
• for social reasons – for example, to boost their self-esteem.

Sex can mean different things to different people. Someone can define sex in the way that feels right for them This might include kissing, hugging, touching, fingering, oral sex, vaginal sex, anal sex or online sex.

Sexual relationships are supposed to be a positive, enjoyable choice.

Some healthy reasons for choosing sex include:

• to express loving feelings
• to feel pleasure
• readiness in a relationship
• to have a baby (and are ready for this responsibility)
• personal values.

Asking for consent for sex

People in sexual relationships need to ask for and give their consent, every time. It doesn’t matter what the sexual activity is.

Someone should check for consent before kissing, intercourse or sending nude images.

The clearest way of getting consent is asking with words. Any answer apart from a clear and enthusiastic ‘yes’ should be considered a ‘no’.

Sex can only be a positive pleasurable experience if everyone involved wants to be there.

It is also important to decide what sort of sexual activity is being agreed to and understand that it can stop at any time.

When a person can’t consent

There are situations when a person cannot give their consent. This includes being the right age according to the age of consent laws. These vary between states.

There are some other conditions when a person can’t consent. These include being tricked or forced, if a person abuses a position of power in a relationship, if a person is too affected by drugs or alcohol or if a condom is removed without awareness (stealthing).

People under 18 cannot consent to their sexual image being forwarded or published. Any sexual image shared without consent is image based abuse which can be reported to police.

How to decide if you are ready for sex

To be ready for sex a person needs to be mature in their body and mind.

Before puberty, someone's body is not ready for sexual activity.

People feel ready in their mind at different ages. This can relate to understanding what sex involves, potential emotional and physical consequences, rights and responsibilities.

Key steps to help a person decide if they are ready to have sex is to ask themselves questions and talk to the person who they want to have sex with. Talking to trusted friends or family members can also help a person to decide what is right for them.

The decision about whether a person is ready to have sex is theirs to make.

They should never feel pressured, forced or coerced into having sex or pressure anyone else to have sex with them.

Some questions a person may ask themselves if they are thinking about having sex include:

• How do I feel about my partner?
• What is the nature of our relationship?
• Are we ‘on the same page’ about having sex?
• Am I feeling comfortable about the idea of having sex?
• Am I thinking about having sex because I want to?
• Am I feeling pressured, or feeling I ‘should’ be doing this?
• How does the decision to have sex align with my values or faith?
• Am I comfortable about showing my body to my partner and being touched by them?
• Am I comfortable communicating my feelings, expectations, preferences and concerns around sex with this person?
• How will I communicate my consent to my partner?
• How will I ask them for consent?
• What happens if either of us changes our mind?
• Have I spoken to my partner about what type of sex we are comfortable with?
• Do I respect my partner’s preferences, boundaries, concerns and expectations, and do they respect mine?
• Am I prepared to deal with unintended consequences of sex such as pregnancy, sexually transmitted illnesses (STIs), awkwardness, disappointment or discomfort with my partner?
• Has my sexual partner asked themselves these questions too?

Practical questions to consider include:

• STI status or testing
• contraception options (for penis in vagina sex)
• correct use of barrier methods (condoms and dams)
• sexual healthcare providers
• a safe space to engage in sexual activity.

Communication, mutuality, consent and respect are vital parts of a healthy relationship. It’s a good idea to talk to a potential sexual partner about their expectations.

Remember, both partners must consent to having sex and continue to consent throughout the sexual experience. A person can change their mind and withdraw consent at any time.

Where to get help

• Your GP (doctor)
• School nurse or school welfare coordinator
• Some secondary schools provide access, on site, to a GP trained in adolescent health
• Your local community health service
• 1800 My Options Tel. 1800 696 784 – for information about contraception, pregnancy options and sexual health in Victoria
• Sexual Health Victoria (SHV) – book an appointment online or call Melbourne CBD Clinic: Tel. (03) 9660 4700, SHV Box Hill Clinic: Tel. (03) 9257 0100 or (free call): Tel. 1800 013 952. These services are youth friendly
• Melbourne Sexual Health Centre Tel. (03) 9341 6200 or 1800 032 017 or TTY (for people with a hearing impairment) (03) 9347 8619
• Kids Helpline Tel. 1800 551 800
• Lifeline Tel. 13 11 14
• Minus18
• Sexual Assault Services Victoria
• eSafety Commissioner
• Thorne Harbour Health Tel. (03) 9865 6700 or 1800 134 840
• Ballarat Community Health Sexual Health Clinic Tel. (03) 5338 4500
• Bendigo Community Health Sexual Health Clinic Tel. 03 5406 1200
• Gateway Health Clinic 35, Wodonga Tel. (02) 6022 8888
• Sunraysia Community Health Services Tel. (03) 5022 5444
• Barwon Health Sexual Health Clinic Tel. (03) 5226 7489