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 Edith lost her sight after she retired. She talks about the grief she feels because she has lost much of her mobility and independence. She also talks about the isolation and loneliness many older people experience.
Could you tell me about your experience with loss and grief?
I have had many losses and grieving. I lost my sight - my central sight - some time ago and that was pretty horrific: a big loss. Not being able to read, I thought I would only sit in a room and bite my fingernails. So, I had to take a big step forward from there. Since then, I have just tried to take everything in my stride.
I also lost the ability to move around. I have had trouble with my back, which has affected my walking. I always thought growing old would be pleasant, but it can be unpleasant. You have to live with it and make it work for you, rather than sit back and grieve.
There is not a day when I don’t think, ‘Oh gee, I wish I could read that paper’, or I could do something else. But, it is part of my life experience and it is not going to change.
Did you have a fear that life, as you knew it, was over?
I can’t say it is fear as much as an anger that you are limited with what you can do. So, I have deliberately tried not to let things get in my way and stop what was my normal way of living. I really haven’t changed, except that I feel inadequate sometimes, but I seem to get through all right.
Has your grief changed you in any way?
My grief has probably made me more sensitive to the losses of other people. I am very involved around nursing homes. I try to get staff to see that coming into a nursing home has been a big change in people’s lives - that the life they have lived has gone, in a sense. You are not going to be able to go out that door to pursue your own wishes and desires. There is loss of autonomy once you go into a nursing home, no matter how good the nursing home; it is never going to compensate for what you’ve lost.
I think it would be terrible. I would hate to go into a nursing home because, although people come to see you, it is not the same as being involved in the world out there.
Do people understand your grief?
I’m not sure that people do. It is hard to put yourself, as a sighted person, into somebody else’s experience as an unsighted person. I think it takes a lot of sensitivity and understanding to be able to do that.
I am very lucky that my daughter and I decided to buy a house together, but I know I probably irritate her. I’m not as capable as I was, and I have to adjust to her exasperation with me having problems doing things. I think there are limits to what you can do, so you don’t have the thrill of deciding.
I went to see a film and I was confused because my sight wasn’t adequate enough to really pick up all that was going on, so I have decided not to go to films anymore.
I can watch television by sitting very close to the screen. It’s very difficult for me to really follow. There are big losses in your life where you would like to be involved in many things, but I realise more and more that it is becoming difficult for me and, probably, sometimes useless.
How difficult has it been to adjust to your losses?
I think, with most older people, there are losses along the way. Of course, there is the loss of loved ones and family members, and all of that is taken in, and then you pick yourself up and start off again. I think living has within it a series of losses. I don’t think anybody escapes. It is how quickly you can adjust, pick yourself up and start over again.
I have had a charmed life in a sense that I’ve not had to suffer lots of individual losses; I have lost a brother and, of course, my mother and father, but my children are all very healthy and well.
What are the issues that older people, specifically, have to deal with?
I think the ability to get around is an issue for older people, because of the very busy streets and so forth. The traffic is geared towards cars, not people. Older people can get to the point where they cross a divided highway and really get into strife, because they aren’t able to get across the road as quickly as the traffic lights indicate that you should.
There is also a fear of isolation for many older people. Yet, even though they may feel isolated and alone, they are also frightened of taking another step - one that would put them into a hostel or nursing home - and I don’t blame them.
The question of independence is very important, particularly to older people. So, you have older people who try very hard to stay in their own place when they shouldn’t really.
I am not advocating everybody should be kept at home, but it seems that families also find it difficult to cope with incapacitated older people and don’t quite know how to react.
Do you think that society’s view towards elderly people has changed over the years?
When I was young, families lived close together. Now, our children are all around the world, and there is not that strong family network. It is hard for many older people who have relatives overseas and so forth. That nucleus of the family has been disintegrating over a number of years. I think society has to recognise that.
To live a life that has some quality, something has to replace that family network that was there in the more simple society that we had.
How do you think the changing role and status of a person impacts on them as they grow older?
Some people cope very well by having a lot of friends. I am also aware of older people who say, ‘My son never comes to see me; my daughter never comes to see me’ - that’s not uncommon. It is very sad to hear people lamenting the fact that they have lost contact with family members. Of course, there has to be something to replace that and I think, somehow, our society hasn’t done it very well at all. Older people are very reluctant to go looking for services and raising voices about their situation.
If you talk to most older people now, they are very clear that they don't want to end up a burden on their family, and certainly wouldn’t call on their family to do some of the heavier caring as they get older. I guess this is why we’ve had the hostels and nursing homes and special accommodation houses. They have come into being to fulfil that need: to take the place of the family.
I think one of the major issues is to recognise people’s need to be accepted into a new environment: to give that person time to adjust and to become part of a new family. I know that is not easy; I have gone into nursing homes where there are people with language problems who just lie there without any contact anywhere around them, except when somebody would visit from their own nationality.
There is a lot of denial going on about what it means when you get older. It is not all beer and skittles, but it could be much more pleasant than it is, and society has to take quite a positive stance in terms of older people.
How do you think young people view older people?
As an older person, you are very aware that people don’t see you very often. Older people want to be noticed; we want to be accepted and we don’t want to be made invisible. That is somehow the feeling that you have when you are walking along a street. Sometimes you can almost be knocked over.
Not everybody is like that. But there is an exuberance about young people. Probably, without acknowledging it or thinking about it, they see us as a bit of a nuisance. We don’t walk as fast; we block up the streets a bit. I don’t know if this is a conscious thought, but in their exuberance I have seen them walk straight across you to go to a shop window to look in it, without acknowledging that there were people that they nearly knocked over as they went.
Young people are lovely too; there is no doubt about that. You meet exceptional young people who want to be helpful and acknowledge you as a person. I guess that is what we all want: to be acknowledged as a person in our own right.
Is there a message about ageing that you would like to convey?
One of the quotes the Older Person’s Action Centre has is: ‘Growing older is a lifelong process’. You are growing older from the moment you are born. There is no point at which we should have that separation of when you are young, when you are middle-aged and when you are older.
We are all in the process of growing older and I think people would be better off if they could get it into their head that they are not always going to be young and beautiful, and not always going to be able to earn a living for themselves. It can be a very lovely society if there is an acceptance that older people are just naturally a part of it, and it is a moving process all of the time.
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