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Trevor is 40 years old. He lives with his partner, their daughter and his partner’s three children from a previous relationship. He is the survivor of an attempted suicide at the age of 26.
Why did you want to take your own life?
This question is probably the hardest to answer. I had a great deal of personal issues. My problems at the time seemed insignificant, so I would brush them aside and hope they would go away. I didn’t realise that I was merely storing my problems in a little box in my brain, not knowing that one day the box would become full and explode.
Deep down, I don’t think I really wanted to take my own life. I wanted people to see that I had problems and I didn’t have the courage to simply put my hand up and say so. I thought: How can I go to someone and say, ‘I’ve got lots of problems emotionally and I think I’m going to kill myself because of them’? I was embarrassed and didn’t want to have people saying that I had psychiatric problems. I didn’t consider suicide as an easy way or a coward’s way out but, had I succeeded, it would have been a quick solution.
How did people react to your suicide attempt?
People reacted in different ways. For most, their initial reaction was shock. I have always been known as a happy, jovial person. I liked to make people laugh ... I still do. I never seemed to have a care in the world. I would give someone my last dollar if it would help them out.
In time, people’s reactions changed. My family went from shock to sadness and disappointment. They were disappointed they didn’t see any signs or warnings that something was wrong. I think there may have been some feelings of guilt; however, no family members have ever said so. A lot of my mates went from shock to anger. Some of my best friends still let me know of their anger that I couldn’t go to them for help. A lot of people just wiped me like an oily rag. That’s when I realised that a lot of people who called themselves ‘friends’ weren’t friends at all.
What do you think your family went through emotionally?
My loved ones went through hell. I know this because I had the misfortune of seeing them go through it. For a week or so they didn’t know if I was going to live or die. I remember waking up in intensive care. When I opened my eyes, I saw my dad sitting next to me holding my hand with tears in his eyes. I squeezed his hand and he said that he loved me. I started crying too and tried to talk to him but no words came out. I panicked and Dad ran to get a nurse who told me that I had a tube in my throat to help me breathe. At that stage, I didn’t know the severity of my injuries, but I was just glad that I was alive. I can’t imagine the extent of what my family went through but I know it must have been very hard for them.
What sort of help did you receive (or seek) following your suicide attempt?
I received counselling from a psychiatrist at the hospital and a lot of support from family and friends. The most valuable support I received was from the nursing staff at the hospital. They taught me how to deal with my injuries and gave me the courage to come out from the shadows and not be ashamed of how I looked. My surgeon gave me confidence by telling me he would put a smile back on my face, however long it would take. He was true to his word and I have the utmost respect for him.
I owe a lot of my recovery to the support of my family and to a very dear friend who I’ve known since I was around four years old. Many times, when I was lying in my hospital bed feeling sad and sorry for myself, she would come in and put me in a wheelchair, take me for a walk and tell me to ‘snap out of it’. She still tells me that because we have lived together for eight years, have a beautiful little girl and we’re engaged to be married. I love her dearly and often wonder where I would be without her. It is a very warm feeling, knowing that she has my shoulder to lean on as I have hers. My experience gave me the strength to be able to offer her the support that she needed, too.
How has the experience impacted on your life and outlook?
The experience itself was one I wish I could not remember. I didn’t realise at the time that I was creating a far worse emotional rollercoaster ride than I had in the first place. When I was shown my injuries in a mirror for the first time, I wished that I’d succeeded in killing myself. My injuries were horrific and I couldn’t see how I could live with them.
I knew that I had a hell of a rough road ahead if I was to try and get over what I had done. That is when I said to myself, ‘I can get over this’. I was alive and I wanted to be alive. It took every bit of inner strength I had but I was determined to live the rest of my life and enjoy every bit of it. I also decided then that I wanted to help others and try to stop them from going through the hell that I went through.
My suicide attempt was senseless and could have been prevented if I’d had the courage to open up and admit to having problems. I have a great outlook on life now. I don’t dwell anymore on silly little problems that can affect the quality of life that we are here to enjoy. I also spend a lot more time with my family, including my Dad. We go camping and fishing together - all the things I should have been doing many years ago.
Have you had suicidal thoughts since?
I’ve had no suicidal thoughts since I left the hospital. I figure my brush with death was close enough. I’m enjoying life too much to want to take it away. I suppose at the time I didn’t fear death or I wouldn’t have tried to end my life. Now I fear death more than anything. My life, and those who I share it with, is very precious.
What would be your advice to someone who may be contemplating suicide?
My advice to someone contemplating suicide is quite simple: have a good think about it. Think about what you’re throwing away. Is it worth it? Think about your loved ones and what you’re going to put them through. Think about the consequences if you don’t succeed.
A lot of suicides are spur of the moment decisions. If you just take that little bit of extra time to think about it, you may very well decide not to go ahead with it. Once you have done that, talk to someone and get it off your chest. I wish I’d talked to someone. Approach a person you can trust and tell them how you feel. The most important thing of all is not to be ashamed of your feelings. Your life, no matter how bad you think it is, is worth fighting for. Don’t dwell on the past, look at what’s ahead. So what lies ahead for you? Anything you want, if you want it badly enough.
Where to get help
- Your doctor
- Counsellor
- Psychologist
- Psychiatrist
- Friend or family
- Lifeline Tel. 131 114
- Kids Helpline Tel. 1800 551 800
- Here For Life Tel. (03) 8412 9922 or 1800 359 770
> Find out more about Suicide attempt
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