Sibling rivalry

A sibling is a brother or a sister. The arrival of a new sibling can make a toddler feel threatened and jealous. The parental attention that used to be theirs alone is now shared with another. Sibling rivalry is normal. However, it can be a problem, particularly among children who are the same gender and close together in age.

It is also important to remember that some of the behaviours parents might be concerned about are ‘common and normal’ behaviours for toddlers and may not have anything to do with the arrival of a new baby.

Parental treatment and playing favourites
Rates of sibling rivalry are lower in families where children feel they are treated equally by their parents.

Australian research indicates that parents rate the quality of sibling relationships differently to the children themselves. Generally, children’s opinion of their relationship with a sibling is more optimistic than their parent’s view of the relationship.

Competition between siblings
Siblings are more likely to be competitive if they are the same sex and close together in age. This is heightened in the case of identical twins. Being compared and contrasted with each other seems to encourage competition and rivalry.

Low self-esteem, depression and jealousy are more likely if one child is out-performed by their brother or sister in some way. Studies have shown that a twin who is out-performed is likely to abandon an activity altogether to avoid direct competition, even if they show great potential themselves.

Preparing your child for a new sibling
It is difficult to prepare toddlers less than 18 months of age for a new sibling, because their vocabulary and comprehension are limited. Toddlers older than two years could be told about the new baby late in the pregnancy.

Try to make practical arrangements for the baby ahead of time, so that your toddler is used to the changes when their new sibling arrives. Suggestions include:

• If your toddler is still using the cot, consider promoting them to a bed as soon as possible. If you wait until the baby is born, your toddler may resent the new baby for ‘stealing’ their cot.
• For some mothers breastfeeding their toddler as well as their new baby is natural and comfortable – there is no need to wean the toddler. However, it is important to breastfeed the new baby first.
• If you will be taking maternity leave or hiring a babysitter, try to start these arrangements a number of weeks before the baby is due. This gives your toddler time to adjust.
• Make sure your toddler has familiar activities outside of the house. For example, consider starting them at playgroup or a similar activity.
• Involve your toddler before the birth. For example, talk about names for the baby, show them photographs of themselves as newborns and explain how the baby will need lots of help.

• Praise gentle behaviour between your toddler and baby.
• Explain firmly to your toddler that they need to be gentle with the baby.
• Show your toddler how you would like them to behave.
• Accept that your toddler may regress in behaviour for a while in an attempt to win more attention. Extra praise for age-appropriate behaviour will help this behaviour disappear over time.
• Offer your toddler some special rewards or outings, so they realise there are some advantages to being the oldest child.

• Your doctor
• Maternal and Child Health nurse
• Parentline Tel. 13 22 89
• Tweddle Child and Family Health Service Tel. (03) 9689 1577
• Maternal and Child Health Line, Victoria (24 hours) Tel. 13 22 29
• Family Relationship Advice Line Tel. 1800 050 321
• Australian Breastfeeding Association Helpline 1800 686 2 686

• Sibling rivalry is normal. However, it can become a problem, particularly among children who are the same sex and close together in age.
• Rates of sibling rivalry are lower in families where children feel they are treated equally by their parents.
• A family experiencing sibling violence needs to seek urgent professional help.

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