Grief explained

Grief is our response to loss, particularly in relation to the death of a loved one. Grief can affect our thoughts, feelings, behaviours, beliefs, and our relationships with others. Many people experience feelings of sadness, anxiety, fear and numbness. The experience of grief can sometimes feel like a storm. A person may feel that the storm has passed, but then be surprised when the next storm strikes.

These sudden temporary upsurges in the grief storm can be particularly profound when there is an anniversary of the death (such as the date of the death or funeral) or when memories are triggered (for example, by a piece of music or a particular smell). It is important to recognise that grief is a normal experience and that the process of grieving does require experiencing the pain that accompanies the death of a loved one.

Grief is a process and not an event. It is a journey, not a destination. Most people will continue to grieve in subtle ways for the rest of their lives.

Everyone’s experience of grief is unique

There are many factors that affect the experience of grief, including:

• The age of the person who is grieving – for example, child or adult
• The type of relationship with the deceased – for example, spouse, parent or friend
• The nature of the relationship with the deceased – for example, close and loving, or remote and troubled
• The way the deceased died – for example, long illness, sudden death or suicide
• The grieving person’s religious or spiritual beliefs
• Cultural practices – for example, the ways in which the grieving person’s culture expresses grief
• Availability of support from family, friends and community
• Associated stresses – for example, financial difficulties, job loss or the breakdown of a relationship.

Different grieving styles

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Generally, there are two broad styles of grieving. Most people experience a combination of both:

• The intuitive approach – people may seek out social support and tend to focus on the emotional aspects of their loss and managing their feelings.
• The instrumental approach – people tend to focus more on the cognitive (thinking) aspects of the loss. They may grieve through activity and problem solving. This style tends to be more solitary and private, focusing on managing the thoughts that arise.

Children and teenagers

Children and teenagers typically use different coping strategies to those used by adults when dealing with their loss experience, including:

• Children – look to the adults around them to learn how to respond to this experience. A child needs timely, clear and direct information. They should also be allowed to ask questions. Participation in the funeral and opportunities to view the body are important rituals that the child should be encouraged and supported, but not forced, to participate in.
• Teenagers – their way of coping sometimes creates tension with other adults: for example, they may play music and spend more time with their friends. The typical adolescent is dealing with the normal issues of independence and separation from parents, and these developmental tasks can interfere with their capacity to receive support from the adults around them in dealing with their grief.

Grief and physical illness

Research shows there are clear links between the experience of grief and ill health. Grief can lead to a compromised immune system. Health impacts can range from colds, influenza, anxiety, depression, and sleeping and eating difficulties, through to thoughts of suicide and an increased risk of acquiring various forms of disease.

Philosophical and spiritual questions

Grief can raise important philosophical and spiritual questions and may prompt us to ponder our faith and the meaning of life. Our experience of loss may destroy many of the assumptions that we have held about the world, such as ‘the world is a safe place’, ‘the old die before the young’ or ‘bad things don’t happen to good people’. These beliefs are often shattered in the wake of a profound experience of loss and grief.

The experience for many grieving people has been described as ‘re-learning the world’. Many people also discover a deepening of their spiritual beliefs and can identify how they have grown as a result of their grief experience.

Professional help

It is important not to try to ‘speed up’ the grief process. Coming to terms with a significant death can take months and sometimes years (rather than days or weeks). Most people simply require the loving supportive presence of others, permission to talk about the deceased and encouragement to use their own coping strategies to deal with their bereavement.

If you feel you need professional help, don’t hesitate to contact your doctor or the Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement for information and referral.

Where to get help

• Your doctor
• A trained counsellor
• NURSE-ON-CALL Tel. 1300 60 60 24 – for expert health information and advice 24 hours, 7 days
• Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement – Bereavement Counselling and Support Service Tel. 1300 664 786
• Kids Helpline Tel. 1800 551 800 – 24 hours a day, seven days a week
• Lifeline Tel. 13 11 14
• Mensline Tel. 1300 78 9978
• Parentline Tel. 13 22 89
• SuicideLine Victoria Tel. 1300 651 251 – for counselling, crisis intervention, information and referral (24 hours, 7 days)

Things to remember

• Grief is a process and not an event – most people will continue to grieve in subtle ways for the rest of their lives, but will still be able to return to some sense of normality.
• Children and teenagers typically use different coping strategies to those used by adults when dealing with their grief experience.
• Grief often leads to a compromised immune system and if we don’t take care of ourselves we can fall ill function.

You might also be interested in:

• Death in hospital.
  
• Grief - everyone's response is different.
  
• Grief - how to support the bereaved.
  

Want to know more?

Go to More information for support groups, related links and references.

This page has been produced in consultation with and approved by:

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Centre for Grief Education

Last reviewed: September 2011

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<a href="http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Grief_explained?open">Grief explained - Better Health Channel</a><br/>
Grief is our response to loss, which may be a death, divorce, separation or other loss. Grief can affect our thoughts, feelings, behaviours and beliefs, and our relationships with others. It is important not to 'speed up' grief or grieving, and some people may need professional help from a doctor, counsellor or other professional. Children and teenagers experience grief and associated emotions very strongly.

Content on this website is provided for education and information purposes only. Information about a therapy, service, product or treatment does not imply endorsement and is not intended to replace advice from your qualified health professional. Content has been prepared for Victorian residence and wider Australian audiences, and was accurate at the time of publication. Readers should note that over time currency and completeness of the information may change. All users are urged to always seek advice from a qualified health care professional for diagnosis and answers to their medical questions.

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