Grief - everyone's response is different

Grief is our response to loss. It is often thought that people progress through grief in similar ways, but this isn’t the case. Everyone experiences grief differently because our reaction depends on a range of individual factors, such as our personality, age, relationship with the deceased, cultural practices, the level of social support and our spiritual beliefs.

There is no ‘right way’ way to grieve. Misconceptions about the grieving process can make the bereaved person question their feelings and sanity. Understanding what grief can be like, finding ways to safely express strong emotions and coming up with coping strategies can help you endure the pain of your loss.

Grief isn’t predictable
One model of grief that once was popular suggested that people progress through various stages such as denial, anger, bargaining and acceptance. We now know that grief includes a wide range of emotions, thoughts and behaviours. It doesn’t help to think that grief will always happen in a predictable and orderly way – everyone moves through grief in their own way.

If you believe that grief will follow predictable stages, you are likely to expect a bereaved person to put the experience behind them within a certain time. The reality is that most of us will continue to grieve in subtle ways for the rest of our lives.

A wide range of normal reactions
Grief includes a wide range of emotions, thoughts and behaviours. You may experience some or all of the following reactions, as well as many that aren’t included in the list. Your responses could even be contradictory at times.

Some of the many reactions associated with grief include:

• Anger
• Anxiety
• Change in worldview
• Confusion
• Sadness and depression
• Sleeping difficulties
• Drop in self-esteem
• Difficulties in concentration
• Feeling unable to cope
• Guilt and remorse
• Helplessness
• Hopelessness
• Loneliness
• Questioning of values and beliefs
• Relief
• Shock and disbelief.

• Diet and exercise – grief impacts on the body and can cause symptoms such as sleeplessness, anxiety and gastrointestinal upsets. Take care of yourself by paying attention to diet and getting regular exercise. Make sure that you receive good medical care.
• Relaxation and sleep – schedule time every day to wind down, using whichever method works for you: for example, meditation, tai chi, taking a bath, playing sport, reading, attending to hobbies or listening to music. Try to get adequate sleep – grieving can be exhausting work.
• Avoid drugs – try to avoid drugs such as cigarettes and alcohol to help you manage your grief. They may temporarily dull your pain but cause other health and behavioural difficulties.
• Be realistic – try to be kind and gentle to yourself. Accept that you need to grieve in the ways that feel natural to you. Don’t judge or criticise yourself for not coping as well as you think you should.

• Crying – some people feel that crying isn’t appropriate or else they’re afraid that once they start crying, the tears won’t stop. If you feel the need to cry, go ahead and do it. Crying is a normal human response to intense feelings. However, if there are no tears, it does not mean there is no grief. Many people cry alone, perhaps in the car or in the shower.
• Time alone – schedule time alone every day to focus on your feelings and express them in whichever way feels natural to you. For example, you may choose to pray, cry, look through photographs of your loved one or write a diary.
• Activity – many people find it important to engage in physical activity as a way of releasing tension and distracting themselves for a time from the intensity of grief.
• Time with your family – schedule time to grieve as a family. This could include talking about the deceased, crying together and sharing your feelings.
• Pampering – include activities in your daily or weekly schedule that you enjoy.
• Support team – actively seek out support. This could include friends, workmates, doctors, community health centres, bereavement support groups or professional counsellors.
• Memorial – you may like to write letters to your loved one, plant a memorial tree, put together a special photo album or commemorate their life in whichever ways feel meaningful to you and your family.
• Professional help – see your doctor for help and referral if you feel dangerously out of control: for example, if you’re angry enough to want to hurt yourself or someone else.

• Your doctor
• Your local community health centre
• The Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement Tel. (03) 9265 2111 or 1800 642 066
• A trained counsellor
• A bereavement support agency such as The Compassionate Friends Tel. 1800 641 091, Mercy Grief Services Tel. (03) 9364 9838 or Sids and Kids Tel. 1300 308 307

• Losing a loved one can be a shattering event that affects you emotionally, physically and spiritually.
• There is no one correct way to grieve. Misconceptions about the grieving process can cause difficulties for the bereaved person.
• The experience of grief depends on individual factors such as personality and age, the relationship with the deceased and spiritual beliefs.

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