Family break up - supporting children

Family breakup is often difficult for children. Parents can help their kids by giving them honest explanations and emotional support.

Children of all ages experience a wide range of bewildering emotions when their parents separate or divorce. These may include sadness, anger, fear, jealousy and insecurity. Don’t underestimate your child’s capacity to understand what is going on around them. Trying to spare your child by not telling them the full facts will only cause them more confusion.

It is important for both parents together to explain the situation simply, using words the child can understand. You may have to explain several times before the child fully grasps what has happened to their family and what their future holds. Be aware that your child will want the family to stay as it is, so they may not want to hear what you are telling them.

Children may think they or their behaviour are to blame for the separation. It is important to keep reinforcing that this is not the case.

Everyone grieves in different ways
Grief is the normal emotional response to the loss of something precious. Everyone grieves in different ways. Children, like adults, may grieve inconsistently, seeming fine one day only to be very upset and depressed the next. Your child may:

• Have regular nightmares or difficulty sleeping – they may want to sleep with you
• Show out-of-character behaviour, such as temper tantrums
• Start to have difficulties with school work or not want to go to away from the family
• Exhibit aggressive or withdrawn behaviour
• Be more fearful than usual
• Cover up hurt through indifferent or cold behaviour
• Develop problems with eating, such as going off their food or ‘comfort eating’
• Have physical complaints, such as headaches
• Blame themself for the separation
• Blame the parent they are spending the most time with
• Worry excessively, particularly about family members who are upset
• Regress to an earlier stage of development – for example, thumb sucking or bedwetting.

• Both parents should explain the separation to the child, particularly when breaking the news.
• Reassure your child that the separation is not their fault in any way and that both parents still love them.
• Tell your child, in as much detail as you can, about their new routine: where they will live, who will take them to school and so on. It is a good idea to wait until you think they are ready to hear this information.
• Allow your child to ask as many questions as they want.
• Answer truthfully and honestly. It is OK to be upset.
• Use age-appropriate language.
• As the child matures, you can explain the separation in more sophisticated ways.
• Be prepared to explain the separation to the child again and again.
• Seek professional advice if you feel it is necessary for yourselves or your child.

• Encourage your child to talk about their feelings openly and as often as they want.
• Tell your child that it is OK to have a range of different feelings and suggest appropriate ways to express these feelings. This may include writing down feelings in a diary or releasing feelings through physical activity such as running or gardening.
• Share your own feelings – for example, cry together.
• Be prepared to constantly reassure the child of your love for them and the love of the other parent.
• Arrange as much contact with the absent parent as possible.
• Try to maintain some kind of regular routine to give your child a sense of security.
• Remind your child that their painful feelings will lessen with time.
• Read child-oriented books on separation and divorce together.

• Maternal and Child Health nurse
• Parentline Tel. 13 22 89
• Family Relationship Advice Line Tel. 1800 050 321 Monday to Friday, 8am to 8pm, Saturday, 10am to 4pm
• Other parents
• Family and friends
• Your doctor
• Professionals such as counsellors

• A child can experience grief, anger, sadness and confusion over the breakup of their family.
• They may blame themselves.
• Find sources of emotional support for yourself, so that you have the strength to help your child.
• Avoid criticising the other parent in front of your child.

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