Death of a baby

Miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death (death of a newborn infant) can be a shattering event for any couple expecting a baby. Everyone reacts and responds in different ways.

Reactions to the death of a baby

Some common grief reactions include:

• Shock and disbelief – many couples report feeling numb and empty when they learn their baby has died. Normal grief reactions include shock, physical pain, loss, anger, sadness and guilt.
• Guilt, anger and blame – these are normal reactions. For example, parents worry that something they did or didn’t do during the pregnancy caused the baby’s death.
• Isolation – friends and relatives may not know how to handle the situation and choose to avoid the grieving couple, or they may lend support for a month or two before leaving the couple to cope alone.
• Relationship conflict – people may grieve in different, and sometimes conflicting, ways. Men and women may cope and express their feelings very differently. This can cause friction within the relationship. However, contrary to popular belief, most couples stay together after the death of a baby.
• Lack of acknowledgment of loss – if the parents’ loss is not recognised or acknowledged, they may feel very unsupported.

Miscarriage may go unrecognised by others

Losing a baby by miscarriage can be particularly isolating. If the baby dies during the first trimester, it is possible that most people didn’t even know the couple was expecting a baby.

Other difficulties include:

• The suddenness of the miscarriage – it may be over before anyone has time to do anything to stop it.
• Lack of ritual – a couple who experiences a miscarriage doesn’t have the opportunity to express their grief through rituals such as a funeral and burial.
• Understanding – often there is no medical explanation for a woman’s miscarriage. This can leave the couple feeling guilty, anxious and fearful of another miscarriage.

The lingering distress of sudden unexpected death in infancy (SUDI)

SUDI, including sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) and fatal sleeping accidents, is the sudden and unexpected death of a baby. Concerns for the grieving couple include:

• Never knowing what caused their baby to die
• Guilt or self-blame that somehow they were responsible for the baby’s death
• The distress caused by police and coronial involvement
• The autopsy of their baby
• Ignorance of others about SUDI may lead to parents not receiving support and they may even be blamed for the death of their child.

The months and years ahead

The couple may experience painful reminders, from expected and unexpected sources, including:

• The pregnancies and newborn babies of friends and relatives
• Packing away the layette (items bought for the baby such as a cot, pram and clothes) when stored or given away
• Special dates – such as the child’s birthday, estimated due date or death anniversaries
• Family occasions – such as Christmas, Mother’s Day or Father’s Day
• For months or even years, the couple may note when their child was due to reach certain milestones, such as crawling, walking and talking
• Dealing with well-meaning questions such as ‘How many children do you have?’ and ‘Was it a girl or a boy?’ when meeting acquaintances who don’t know the baby has died
• possibly being excessively vigilant or protective over other or later children
• Feeling anxiety and fear during subsequent pregnancies or when subsequent babies are asleep or sick.

Suggestions for the grieving couple

Suggestions include:

• Acknowledge painful anniversaries – such as your child’s birthday – by creating your own rituals.
• Take your time with the difficult task of packing or giving away the layette. Dealing with the physical reminders of your expectations and hopes is an important and often painful part of grieving.
• Talk to your doctor and other healthcare professionals about the cause of your baby’s death. Reassure yourself that it wasn’t your fault.
• Contact bereavement services or self-help groups such as SIDS and Kids Victoria, Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Support (SANDS) or the Bonnie Babes Foundation for information, advice and support.
• Seek counselling.
• Talk with your partner. Remember that grief is an individual experience and different people grieve in different ways. Seek counselling together if your relationship is suffering.
• Get in touch with other bereaved parents. Organisations such as those listed above have trained parent supporters and offer support groups.

Subsequent pregnancies

Many couples who experience a miscarriage or stillbirth choose to try again for a child. However, pregnancy can be an anxious and bewildering time until the health and survival of the new baby is assured.

Some reactions include:

• Emotionally reliving the death of your child
• Feeling that conceiving another child will ‘betray’ the child who has died
• Anxiety that the next baby will also die
• Lack of confidence in yourselves as competent parents because you couldn’t prevent the death of your baby.

Suggestions for subsequent pregnancies

Suggestions for any further pregnancies include:

• If your baby died from a genetic disorder, try to find out as much as you can about the disorder and seek genetic counselling.
• If you are pregnant again, starting a pregnancy diary may help you work through your thoughts and feelings, both positive and negative.
• Tell your doctor and other healthcare professionals about your feelings. Expect and ask for sensitive emotional support during subsequent pregnancies.

Where to get help

• SIDS and Kids Victoria Tel. (03) 9822 9611 or 1300 308 307
• Your doctor
• National Association of Loss and Grief (NALAG) Tel. (03) 9329 4003 or 1800 100 023 – for referral to an accredited grief counsellor
• Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Support (SANDS) Tel. (03) 9899 0218
• Bonnie Babes Foundation Tel. (03) 9803 1800

Things to remember

• Miscarriage, stillbirth or death of a newborn infant can be a shattering event for couples expecting a baby and everyone responds to this in different ways.
• If your baby died from a genetic disorder, seek genetic counselling.
• Contact bereavement services such as SANDS, SIDS and Kids Victoria or the Bonnie Babes Foundation for information, advice and support.

You might also be interested in:

• Grief - support services.
  
• Miscarriage explained.
  
• Sudden unexpected death in infants (SUDI and SIDS).
  

Want to know more?

Go to More information for support groups, related links and references.

This page has been produced in consultation with and approved by:

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SIDS and Kids Victoria

Last reviewed: November 2011

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<a href="http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Death_of_a_baby?open">Death of a baby - Better Health Channel</a><br/>
The death of a baby can be a shattering event. Miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death is a shattering event for those expecting a baby and for their families. Grief, relationship stresses and anxiety about subsequent pregnancies are common after the loss of a baby. Counselling can help both the mother and father after a baby dies.

Content on this website is provided for education and information purposes only. Information about a therapy, service, product or treatment does not imply endorsement and is not intended to replace advice from your qualified health professional. Content has been prepared for Victorian residence and wider Australian audiences, and was accurate at the time of publication. Readers should note that over time currency and completeness of the information may change. All users are urged to always seek advice from a qualified health care professional for diagnosis and answers to their medical questions.

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